Movie Hypotheticals Pt. 3
Let's answer some more questions
Movie Hypotheticals 3: Tokyo Drift.
Welcome back to Working Title’s Movie Hypotheticals. If you’re new here, what we do is take situations from or about movies and answer them as candidly as possible. It started as just a filler edition of the newsletter when I couldn’t think of anything to write and has turned into something people frequently asked me to do. It’s very fun. If you feel like catching up or refreshing yourself on the previous editions, I’ve linked them below.
You can read Movie Hypotheticals Part 1 here.
You can read Movie Hypotheticals Part 2 here.
Let’s answer some more questions.
Question: Do I think I could take the One Ring back to Mordor?
Answer: In the movies, Frodo’s journey is presented in a little bit of a nebulous way and it’s kind of up in the air how long it takes but it seems like weeks. However, we know from the books that Frodo and Sam’s journey from the Shire to Mordor takes SIX MONTHS. Six months of walking. I get annoyed when my workout at the gym takes longer than an hour or so. Not to mention I’m being pursued by essentially 9 Grim Reapers and am constantly under threat of death, hunger, and, worst of all, being damp.
That said, I love a road trip, especially with my best friends. Seeing some cool shit and meeting some new people. It would really come down to my own sense of perseverance. I’m surprisingly endurant and can embrace the suck when need be. It’s a toss-up here, but I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt. I’ll get the ring to Mordor but I’m gonna complain the whole time, which I guess isn’t really that different than Frodo.
Question: How long what I last in The Hunger Games?
Answer: Here’s the thing. I have a huge ego and am insanely competitive about things once I feel I can win. If I make it to the woods and see that 5-7 out of 24 people have already been killed, I’m gonna start crunching the numbers. I’m going to really start to feel like I can win. I’m like the 2022 USA Men’s World Cup team — I could really make some noise.
The reality is that I would probably die IMMEDIATELY after taking a hatchet to my pre-frontal cortex because I tried to grab the box of donuts that was left in the center of the cornucopia specifically to trick me. That, or I’d fall off my platform early and die because of a false start.
Question: Did Kevin Costner make the right picks as GM of the Cleveland Browns in the movie Draft Day?
Answer: This one really isn’t for anybody but me because I don’t think anybody else has seen DRAFT DAY. If for some reason you’re interested, it is now streaming on HBO MAX. It’s very stupid. I love it. Let me give you a quick breakdown of the situation.
Kevin Costner plays Sonny Weaver Jr, the GM of the Cleveland Browns. If you can believe it, things are NOT going well in Cleveland. Shocker. Sonny and the Browns own the 7th overall pick in the NFL Draft. Their big board is as follows
Vontae Mack: linebacker, Ohio State University - This is who Sonny wants to draft on Draft Day. That’s his guy. He’s been eyeing him all season.
Bo Callahan: Quarterback, University of Wisconsin - This guy is a Heisman Trophy winner and the consensus #1 pick in the draft. The Browns most likely will not get him, as they are picking 7th.
Ray Jennings: Running Back, Florida State University - Ray is the sun of Earl Jennings, who (in the movie) is a Cleveland Browns legend.
Sonny is under immense pressure from Anthony Molina (the Browns owner) to “make a splash” in the draft. Under this pressure, Sonny makes a deal with the Seattle Seahawks, who have possession of the #1 pick. Sonny swaps picks with them for this year’s drafts, as well as sending them the Browns’ first-round picks for the next two years as well. Then, using that first pick HE DRAFTS VONTAE MACK ANYWAY. He mortgaged the Browns’ future to go get a franchise QB and DIDN’T EVEN pick him.
But Sonny’s not done wheeling and dealing just yet. Since the Browns didn’t pick Callahan first overall, teams think maybe there’s something wrong with him and he begins to fall. The Seahawks are still somehow in contention to get the guy they were gonna get at pick #1 at their newly acquired pick #7. Sonny convinces the GM of the Jacksonville Jaguars (lol) to trade him their first-round pick (pick #6) in exchange for 2 future second-round picks (I will explain all of this at the end, promise). With the #6 pick in hand, Sonny calls up the Seahawks and demands the first-round picks he traded earlier back (along with a punt returner) or he will draft Callahan. The Seahawks agree, Sonny skips Callahan and drafts his other big board candidate, running back Ray Jennings.
To simplify: Sonny and the Browns ended up trading three second-rounders for the no. 1 overall pick and a PUNT RETURNER and used their first overall pick on a linebacker (eh) and their second first-round pick on a running back (historically a bad idea). Overall, this is a very average haul. Like a C+. The most Browns shit you can imagine. Incredibly realistic. No notes.
This movie is so stupid. I can’t wait to watch it again this weekend.
Question: Would I check out the basement tunnels from Barbarian?
Answer: No way. I know that that means the movie doesn’t happen, but I’m already weary of Airbnbs as it is. Historically, no good has ever come from exploring secret rooms in a spooky house. I simply will not.
While you’re here, this review of BARBARIAN made me laugh for 3 minutes
Question: Would I take a random bag of money like in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (and countless other movies)?
Answer: Of course, I would. Sorry to offend, but here is a reason the phrase “fumbling the bag” exists. Unless I hit the lottery, there is no more immediate way to change my station in life. I would be much more careful than these yahoos in the movie. Sure, maybe an assassin gets sent after me to get the money back, but in all likelihood, I’m probably able to get away with this. If the guy finds me and kills me, I’m dead, who cares? Win-win.
Question: What superhero universe would I most want to live in?
Answer: SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD because it’s just in Toronto and Toronto is sick as hell.
I usually end these with a quick power ranking of movies I’ve just watched, but I’m going to break from that tradition and beg you to watch the television series ANDOR. It is one of the best series of television I have watched this year. Not the “best Star Wars series.” Best series, period. It’s up there with The Bear and Severance for me this year. Even if you don’t like or care about Star Wars, I assure you, this will still knock your socks off. It’s a masterclass of storytelling.
With the end of the year/beginning of Oscars Season in full swing, I’ve been busy trying to squeeze in as many movies as possible. We’ll be back next week with some recommendations. We’ll also be rolling out our “Best of 2022” list before you know it.
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