Movie Hypotheticals Pt 1.
Discover more from working title: a newsletter about movies
Movie Hypotheticals Pt 1.
Let's answer some questions.
I didn’t have as much time as I’d like this week to deep dive on a subject like normal, so I thought we’d do a fun little mini issue of Working Title. This is going to be the first in a series that I’m calling Movie Hypotheticals. It’s pretty simple. I’m going to take a scenario from a film and place myself in it and tell you what I’d do. I’ll do it in a basic question-and-answer format to keep things simple.
Let’s dive in.
Question: Would I eat at Remy the rat’s restaurant La Ratatouille from the film RATATOUILLE?
Answer: I think it depends, but probably yes. Am I like the patrons of the restaurant in the movie? Simply eating a good, highly sought-after meal at a buzzy restaurant in Paris, where I assume the food is prepared by a human chef? Then hell yeah, I’m in. That said, I think that if I KNEW my chef was a rat and his rat brethren, it might give me a little pause (little paws). I know that the rats run themselves through the big industrial dishwasher and get clean, but I still don’t know if I’d be down. At the end of the day, I love to eat and a good meal is a good meal, so yeah I’m probably eating at the rat restaurant.
Question: Would I live in Gotham City if rent was $300 for a 3-bedroom? (This was making the rounds on Twitter earlier this summer and the responses are incredible.)
Answer: Yeah, no doubt. Especially if it’s the Christopher Nolan version of Gotham that is clearly just Chicago (and Pittsburgh in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.) $300 a month to live in a major metropolitan city with decent public transport? Sign me up. If it’s the creepy Tim Burton version of Gotham then I’m still pretty down, I just maybe won’t go out as much.
Sure, I might have to deal with the occasional weirdo in a mask holding me hostage and maybe if I don’t pay my parking tickets some incel rich guy in a BDSM bat costume kicks my ass, but at the end of the day, I’m banking most of my paycheck and can work remotely from wherever else I want. I’m no coward.
Question: Would I visit Jurassic Park from the movie JURRASIC PARK?
Answer: *Sigh* Yeah, I’m going to see the dinosaurs, man. I don’t really know what to tell you. If you’re able to show me something I’ve never seen before, like a goddam Stegasaurus, I’m gonna go. I’ll undoubtedly end up getting eaten when the weird T-Rex/Velociraptor/Loch Ness Monster hybrid they got going on there breaks out of its containment area, but that’s honestly a pretty tight way to go out and I love themed entertainment. Plus, they got a Rainforest Cafe. That makes the whole thing worth it.
Question: How pissed would I be if I was one of the kids at the orphanage in STUART LITTLE that had to watch Stuart Little get adopted before me?
Answer: Pretty fuckin’ pissed dude. He’s a mouse! I am a HUMAN BOY. This mouse is already zipping around in his little sports car without a license and I’m sitting here playing with Legos while a family explains to me that they decided to adopt a common household pest and not me. Sure, he’s cute and his little outfits are adorable but the common lifespan for a mouse is 5 - 7 years. I am easily outliving that. Insanely short-sighted decision by the prospective parents here. I’m swinging on someone.
Question: How long would I last in a Zombie Apocalypse?
Answer: The fun and cool answer is a long time. I have a reasonable amount of survival skills from my time in the Boy Scouts and camping as an adult. I can build a fire, I know how to clean and use a gun and wield an ax, and I’m good at traveling light. I once did a 5 day trip to the east coast with just a backpack full of clothes and a toothbrush. I can build a deck and assemble a quick shelter. I’ve got some decent skills!
The real and true answer is that I would kill myself with a gun immediately. Do not want to live in that world. Let’s just get it over with. We had a good run.
Question: Would I swim at the beach that Jaws was at in the movie JAWS?
Answer: No. Next question.
Question: Would I complain about the dog playing basketball if I was on the opposing team in AIR BUD?
Answer: As long as we aren’t losing, no. Go ahead! Let the dog play. Look at him! So cute hitting a free throw with his nose! WHO’S A GOOD BOY?
However, the second we start losing, I’m throwing the book at this animal. He’s making a mockery of the sport we love. “Oh, well there’s no rule that says a dog CAN’T play basketball.” Shut up. That’s not how this works. Lack of a rule does not equal approval of that sort of riff-raff. If I can’t get him out on a rules violation, I’m Flagrant 2 fouling this dog until he’s had enough and he slinks back to the bench. He’ll have 4 torn ACLs by the time I’m done with him. We’re winning state and this dog isn’t gonna stand in my way.
Question: What crimes would I commit if The Purge was real like in the movie THE PURGE?
Answer: I’d love to sit here and be like “None! I love rules. I’m simply hiding until it’s over.” Reader, that is not the case. I’d probably get a little rowdy. Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not doing anything to cause harm (physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise) to another human being. That said, I’m probably gonna steal some shit. Practical things. A rice cooker. A stand mixer. Definitely some 4k Blu-Rays. I’d probably go as high as Grand Theft Auto. I need a new car. I’m also probably gonna get killed instantly by one of those freaks in the masks walking around with guns or whatever, but I’m definitely gonna try and make it back home with some stuff.
Question: Saul, you just rewatched all of the Jason Bourne movies. Will you rank them really quickly to end this mini edition of Working Title?
Answer: You bet! Thanks for asking. The rankings are
1. THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
2. THE BOURNE IDENTITY
3. THE BOURNE SUPREMACY
4. THE BOURNE LEGACY
5. JASON BOURNE
There you go, a little short and sweet edition of Working Title. I honestly had a lot of fun writing this one. I’ve got several more versions of this series in mind because I have a lot more hypotheticals that I think about way too often so be on the lookout for those.
As always, thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this (or any other) edition of Working Title, please consider sharing it on your socials or subscribing if you haven’t already!